Thursday, April 2, 2015

Dude, not on I-4 in a Thunderstorm!

Years ago, I was a teenager.  Most of my friends were teenagers.  By definition, we did stupid shit.  A lot of stupid shit.  We demonstrated stupid on a daily basis.  This was one of those occasions.

I was 16 and the family decided to head down to central FL to visit some family in Sanford.  We spent the day playing on the St Johns and Lake Monroe.  It's always a blast down there.  We stayed for a day and went into Orlando the next.  I think we may have gone to Sea World for the day.

My sister and I each brought a friend so we had to take two cars.  The parental units, sister and her friend were in my parents car and Jonathan (yes, the same Jonathan as here and here) and I were following in my POS.  It was a miserable turd, but we had fun anyway.  I drove that car like a rental most of the time.
When I say POS, I mean we were rolling
the dice on making it home or not.  

So on the way home, we're driving along behind mom and dad, doing the stupid shit teenage boys do.  I think we were even smoking cigars while we rolled down the road.  Jonathan and my dad both had a thing for those cheap cigarillos.

Did I mention it was raining?  I mean RAINING.  Florida rain. It was one of those thunderstorms where anywhere but Florida, they'd cut in on your TV show and warn you it was on the way.  Visibility was damn near nonexistent and it was pouring hard.

Forrest Gump couldn't describe this rain.

I hope the aftermath looked like this.
We're happily rolling down the road laughing about the story my dad and aunt told that morning over breakfast burritos.  Allegedly, a friend of theirs didn't believe you could light a fart.  (I don't know if any of this is true or not, but it was funny as hell.)  This guy then proceeds to test the theory while sitting on the toilet.  Yes folks, that rapidly expanding gas didn't have anywhere to go, so it knocked him off the throne while simultaneously burning all the hair off his ass and the backs of his legs.


Yeah...   You know where this is going...


Out of nowhere, Jonathan declares loudly,  "Watch this!", reclines the seat all the way back, puts his feet on the dash and sticks a lighter right up to his butt.  All I hear is pop-pop-pop-FWOOOF! and nearly get blinded by the flash of light that fills up the cabin of the car.


He looks at me with a huge grin on his face "Did you see that??!"  And we start laughing again.

Then all color drained from his face, the smile turned into a weird expression that I can't really describe.   He looked like he was trying desperately to keep from shitting his pants.  This made me start laughing harder.

Then he starts frantically punching himself all about the butthole, taint and beanbag while screaming "MAH BUTTHOLE'S ON FIRE!!!"

At this point I completely lost my shit.  I was laughing so hard, I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe. it was everything I could do to keep the car on the road.   I think a few drops of pee may have come out.  I found out later that he literally burned a hole through his drawers and completely singed all the hair in the general vicinity of the balloon knot and grundle.

We manage to compose ourselves and thats when my dad throws on his hazards in the car in front of us and pulls over to the shoulder.  It's still pouring like a Thai monsoon, by the way.

We pull over behind them and my mom gets out and runs back to my car.  She pokes her head in the window and starts with the concerned mom routine.   "You were weaving pretty bad back there.  Everything OK?  Are you tired?  Want me to drive?"  Then the pause...

"What have y'all been burning in here?"

I lost it again.  The only words I could manage:  "Jonathan's ass."