Monday, June 30, 2014

Dammit Learning Channel!

This is how I imagine the production meetings went.

Producer to TLC execs:  "We're not putting enough stupid shit on The Learning Channel."

Execs: "But what about the freaks with 20 kids?"

Producer: "Not weird enough."

Exec: "Dwarf families?  Mormon polygamists?  Honey Boo-Boo?"

Producer:  *snore* "you were saying something?"

Execs: "What have you got?"

Producer: "You're going to love this.  All the other faux education channels have house buying/flipping/remodeling shows that do well, right?"

Exec: "Yes, but how is that stupid enough for TLC?"

Producer:  "Simple.  We're going to have... pause for drama....   Naked Homebuyers!"

Everyone around the room just stares at each other, mouths agape until some semi retarded TLC exec starts a slow clap.  Champagne corks pop and the whole conference room erupts like they just won the World Series.  

For the ill-informed, there is a new TLC show called Buying Naked and it's about real estate in a nudist community in Central Florida.  We, as viewers are supposed to believe that nudists can't be bothered to put clothes on while home shopping.  After a quick look at the website, it seems that we, the viewers, are also supposed to believe that nudists aren't fat old people either.  

I don't buy it but I'll probably get sucked into it one boring Sunday afternoon. 

Reader's Roundup 6-30-2014

We've gotten some good ones through our Facebook page.  Big thanks to Jason, Dawn, Ryan and Harold for the links.

First off, we have this mother of the year candidate that thought it was ok to leave three kids in the car, in Florida.   "But the windows were rolled down a little."  I hope she gets hit by an old lady on a Rascal.

Next, we have a real life Goldilocks.  She not only broke in to a house in St Augustine, she made herself dinner, took a shower and then borrowed some pajamas.  Her big mistake, falling asleep on the couch.  Upon closer inspection of the mugshot, I'm not sure I'd have kicked her out.   Here at Dammit Florida, we like them cute and batshit crazy.

Rounding out the list, my hometown has the dubious honor of once again being the murder capitol of Florida.  WOOHOO!

Another Florida Voting Scandal

This time, a "tabulation error" caused the state to strip Elizabeth Fechtel of her crown as Ms. Florida five days after winning.  The real winner, according to the pageant was Victoria Cowan.

The big question on everybody's mind really should be:  Who gives a shit?

Friday, June 27, 2014

It doesn't get any more Florida than this

"Hey Mikey, what did you do last night?"

"Not much.  Stole a school bus and drove it across town to Walmart. "

"Sounds like fu....wha?"

That's how I imagine the conversation going in whatever Middle School Michael Wade Propst attends.  This kid is awesome.  He's 12 and already his testicles are the size of  cannon balls.  He noticed the keys left in the bus and took it for a spin.  Fourteen miles across Panama City Beach to Walmart.  The reason he got caught?  Somebody noticed he was having trouble parking and alerted store employees.

It doesn't sound like he did any damage.  As a matter of fact, the report says he was calm and collected on the bus security camera while he was driving.  Hopefully, the cops will let this kid off with a warning.  He didn't hurt anyone or cause property damage.

Reminds me of the time a friend figured out how to start the paving equipment parked on the side of the road and did a few laps around the neighborhood in a steamroller.

Not just for breakfast anymore

It's a story old as time itself.  Man is cooking breakfast.  Neighbor annoys man.  Man tries to kill neighbor with a pot of grits.

Wait, what?

That's right.  Earlier this week, in what I can only assume is a trailer park in southwest Orlando, a man used a pot of hot grits as a weapon.

Apparently, these window lickers who live next to each other have a history of fighting.  I suppose that 59 year old Edward Holley finally got fed up with his 29 year old neighbor, Darryl Blacknell and threw a pot of boiling grits at Blacknell for being on his porch.

Blacknell got a ride to the hospital with second and third degree burns.  Holley got a ride to jail for second degree attempted murder.

Holley doesn't know when to shut up either.  He allegedly told the police to keep him locked up because "next time, I'm gonna kill him".

Dammit Florida!


Thursday, June 26, 2014

Throwback Thursday, Dammit Florida Style

I hate it when we run out of beer. It really sucks. Nancy Monico hates it when the booze runs out. She hated it so much back in July of 2004 that she bit her boyfriend.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "what's so Florida about that? That could be any trailer park in the country."

Well, here's where it gets all Florida on us. Nancy's boyfriend David Havennar decided he needed to defend himself and defend himself he did. He ran to the bathroom and grabbed a weapon so badass, so awesome, he should be immortalized in sculpture somewhere just for thinking of it. Dave grabbed his 3 foot long pet gator out of the bathtub and proceeded to beat the living shit out of Nancy with it.

You can check out the police reports and pictures here.

Because Whole Foods knows more than your doctor

Folks, it's one thing to malnourish yourself, it's another to do it to an innocent child.  I hope this idiot gets rickets.  This woman is so stupid that even after the kid got sick, she refused to give it medicine because there may have been animal products in it.

"Police said they asked Markham if the product was confirmed with a doctor that it was safe to give the newborn, and she replied saying that since it was organic, it must be OK."    

Seriously, WTF??

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I love this woman

Meet Tavish Smith.  She works for a judge in Brevard County.  In her spare time she likes to get her drink on and crash her truck.  That's not what makes her special.  In Florida, we just call that "Tuesday".  What makes her special is that after crashing the truck, twice, she is still ready to have a good time.  She flirts with officers while they are arresting her for DUI.  To top it all off, she manages to wiggle out of her handcuffs and eat a whole bag of weed that is going to be used as evidence against her.  It kind of backfired though since now instead of misdemeanor possession, she is going to get felony charges for tampering with evidence.  I imagine that when the cop got back to his car, she's sitting there with little green crumbs all over her mouth trying to look innocent, like my dog when he eats something he wasn't supposed to.  "I didn't eat anything.  What are you talking about?"

FREE TAVISH!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I'm pretty sure I know how it got in the pond

There's a bull shark in the pond at an Indian River Beach park.  The city manager says it was "highly unlikely that the shark got into the pond by itself because there are grates on the drainage outflows to prevent alligators from getting in."

Well no shit Sherlock.

I haven't read anything recently about tornados sucking up sharks and flinging them around and I don't think a shark this size could have been dropped by a seabird, so I'm pretty sure somebody who knows that bull sharks can live in fresh water put it there.

They probably thought it would be hilarious.  I think it's hilarious.

City workers in Indian River don't.  The shark probably doesn't think so either.

Wait a second, are you trying NOT to get laid?

Question:  Is it possible to buy a $35 million house that is guaranteed to repel the ladies?

Until I stumbled across this abortion I would have said no.  Don't get me wrong, I loves me some science fiction, video games and comic books, but I keep that shit locked down because no matter how much I love those things, I loves me some sexy time more.  

$35 mil.   $35,000,000 for a house that looks like it was designed by a pubescent Harry Potter erotica fan fiction writer.  

Women of the world, I know it's a lot to ask, but please control your lady parts.  

Monday, June 23, 2014

Note to self: Drunks always ride in the back

There are reasons that police officers should be fired and never get their job back.  There is a whole laundry list of them here.  The sad thing is that most of these officers won't face any serious penalties.

That's not what this story is about.  This story is about Rodrigo Mello.  Deputy Mello is awesome.  Even more awesome than his name.  You see, Rodrigo's buddies needed a designated driver.  Rodrigo stepped up to the plate and gave his friends a ride home.  On the way, he let them play with the lights and siren.  He even let them use the PA system to dole out advice such as "Ladies, put your vaginas back in your pants!"  

Deputy Mello got fired.  I know what you're thinking.  He should have been fired.  He misused police resources for blah blah blah....  Sorry, I zoned out there for a second.  The fact is that all over the country police are getting caught brutalizing people, raiding the wrong home, killing pets, tazing old ladies, etc and they get a slap on the wrist.  Rodrigo lets his buddies play with the PA system and gets shitcanned.  

We need more cops like Rodrigo.  

There I said it.  

We need more police officers that have a sense of humor and less with the urge to drive an MRAP through an apartment building because somebody might be smoking a joint.  

Florida is in the top 10!

Florida is the tenth most corrupt state in the country.  It's about damn time somebody recognized all the hard work the elected officials down there are doing.  Finally, all those years of bribes and gerrymandering have paid off.  Whether it's railroads, sugar cane or a pro sports team, there's always a politician willing to make it happen, for a fee.  I kind of like it.  It gives Florida sort of a third world banana republic feel to politics.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Molon Labe...Wait, you have cheeseburgers?

Good for Martin Winters.  It's great to see a man stand up for his principles against an oppressive government that has us spiraling ever closer to socialism every day.   This badass hardcore prepper is going to do whatever it takes, up to and including making the ultimate sacrifice for freedom and massive stores of canned food.

Wait, this just in.  The standoff is over.  It seems that wet footies are just too much for this badass survivalist.    At least the police sweetened the deal with a couple of cheeseburgers.  This guy will do well in prison.

Reader's Roundup 6/20/14

Check out some of these stories submitted by fans.  A big thanks to Harold and Lunchbox for their many contributions.

Let's start off with a happy story.   This guy used a pair of tin snips and turned the rear quarter panel of his truck into a sardine can to rescue a stuck kitten.

Next up, we've got Jabba the Hutt's obese cousin hiding just under an ounce of weed in between his fat rolls.  How wet and stinky do you think that plastic bag got?

Ma'am, are these your kids?  I don't know, check for my brand.  Here's your first entry for the mother of the year competition.

Finally, the Honorary Floridian Award this week goes to this family of five from Vermont that decided to start a brawl at an amusement park.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Hopefully this one doesn't reproduce

A very good friend of mine has a saying: "If you're going to be dumb, you better be tough."  They're good words to live by.  Unfortunately, the message hasn't made it to Miami yet.  This Brain Bowl champ had to call the fire department to get her out of a tree.  Yes, you read that right, but I'm going to repeat it anyway so it sinks in.  This wasn't an old lady calling about her cat, this was an actual 20-something human stuck in a tree.  The tree in question is a banyan tree which for the unfamiliar is a very easy tree to climb around in.

Now, I don't bounce as well as I used to, but I'll be damned if I'm going to have the fire department rescue me from a tree.  I'll risk broken bones first.  

Monday, June 16, 2014

Don't cuss at the judge

Speaking as someone whose own grandfather was locked up for telling a judge he was "crooked as a barrel of snakes" while on the stand as a witness, I can say with authority that it is never a good idea to cuss at the judge.

WARNING: GRAPHIC LANGUAGE, Outburst leads to contempt of court: What began as a first-appearance court hearing on two counts of violating a protective order in a domestic violence case ended in a contempt of court finding, a 364-day jail sentence and a bond exceeting $100,000.

Maybe we should add IQ tests to the background check.

Let's start this off right.  We here at Dammit Florida! like firearms.  They're fun.  They're useful.

With that being said, this woman should be the poster child for IQ tests when purchasing a firearm.

I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, but I have never attempted to holster a sidearm with my finger on the trigger.  You know why?  That's right kids, because I know that's how you shoot yourself in the leg.  You'd think a competition shooter would know this, but then again, you'd think a federal officer would too.

Roscoe P. Coltrane Would Be Proud

The Clay County Sheriff's Department has finally brought Ashley O. Chiasson in on two felonies.  Hooray!

Of course, there's the other matter of them erroneously arresting Ashley N. Chiasson and extraditing her from Louisiana, TWICE.

First and last name the same, check
Both brunettes, check.

Good enough for Clay County.  They don't have time to verify full names, SSN, driver's licenses, fingerprints or even that the Ashley from Louisiana has never even visited Clay County, FL in her entire life.

She spent 28 days trying to convince them that they had the wrong Ashley and in the process lost her house, her job and had to rely on others to care for her two kids.

Read the full story here.

Friday, June 13, 2014

The Citrus County Whorehouse

Back in the last century, around 1997 or so, a couple of friends and I decided to try our hands at the internet startup thing.  It didn’t work out, but we learned a lot and moved on.   There were many fun times In the couple of years that we had the business.  

In 1997, if you wanted remote access to your computer systems, you needed to dial in.  VPNs weren’t commonplace yet.  So, we had a server with four modems set up for remote access.  

One day, Dan and I were sitting in the office and a modem line starts ringing.  Nothing out of the ordinary until we hear a voice through the modem’s speaker.  “Hello?   Hello?….   Is anybody there?”  I reset the modem, disconnecting the call.  

Then it starts happening a lot.  One of the guys brings in a phone from home so we can answer the calls.  Like clockwork, the calls start rolling in at 9 am.  I answer the first call.  The guy on the other end is looking for the Citrus County Courthouse.  Sorry, wrong number pal.  He reads the number back to me and it is the number of our modem line.  A couple more calls come in and they are all looking for the Citrus County Courthouse.  It seems that our number was printed erroneously on a document that Citrus County was sending out to people.  We start getting 10 to 12 calls a day on the line.  

That’s when we get the brilliant idea to mess with the callers. 

/RING/

“Pizza Palace, take out or delivery?”

“Uh, is this the Citrus County Courthouse?”

“No, it’s Pizza Palace.  You going to order or what?”

/CLICK/

Then we laugh ourselves silly for a few minutes.  

We quickly found out that most people do not pay attention on the phone.  It rapidly spirals out of control and becomes a competition to see how much we can get away with.  We start using names like Heywood Jablomey and Howie Feltersnatch.  

/RING/

“County Morgue, this is Howie, how many I help you?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m trying to get a hold of (insert random bureaucrat here)”

“Hang on, I need to go to the freezer to check the toe tags”

At this point, the phone gets set down for a few minutes.

“Sorry sir, we don’t have anyone with that name.”

“But I have this letter”

“Letter sir?”

“Yes, it says I need to contact so and so at the courthouse.”

“Sir, this is the morgue, not the courthouse”  

“I’m sorry.”

“You should be, I just had to rummage through 28 dead bodies looking for somebody when you had the wrong number.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.  If you had paid attention, I wouldn’t have had to go into that God awful freezer and search toe tags.”

/CLICK/

/RING/

“County morgue.  You stab em, we slab em.”

“Shit”

/CLICK/

Much laughter ensues.  

It goes on for a few days with these little short calls.  Then Dan decides to take it up a notch.  My friend Dan is one of those guys with a wicked and warped sense of humor with perfect timing.  He can work a one liner or smart ass comment into a conversation so naturally and perfectly that 2 minutes later you think to yourself, “Wait, hold on, did he really just say that?”.

The phone rings and it’s Dan’s turn.  I swear, I am not making this up.

“Citrus County Whorehouse.”

“Yes, I need to speak with so and so.”

“I’m sorry ma’am, I believe he’s in a session with Cinnamon right now.  Can I help you?”

“I need to talk to somebody about this bill.”

“Sorry ma’am, billing issues are something you’ll have to talk to my boss about.  His name is Richard Burns.  Hang on a minute.”

He sits the phone down for a few minutes.  

“Dick Burns here.”

“Mr Burns, I need to talk to someone about this bill.”  

“Ma’am, all bills are final here.  We can’t exactly give refunds if you know what I mean.”

“Yes, but I still need to…”

At this point, Dan slams a drawer on the desk as hard as he can and lets out a blood curdling scream.

“WHAT JUST HAPPENED??”

“Sorry ma’am, I just slammed my penis in the desk drawer.”

At this point, I’m about to wet my pants.  There’s no way this person is going to stay on the line after that.  She’s got to know he’s jerking her chain by now.  

“…OK, well can we take a look at this bill.”

Holy Crap!  She’s still there.  The only thing I can think of is that she thought he didn’t really say what she thought he said.  At this point, Dan goes for broke.

“Ma’am, I can’t really do anything at the moment.  Could you call back in about three hours, I should be done masturbating by then.”

“Ok.”

/CLICK/

At this point, we are laughing so hard, we can’t see.  We’re howling like a couple of lunatics.  That was the best!  She had to have been playing along, right?  Nobody is that clueless, right?  

Three hours later, the phone rings.

“Citrus County Whorehouse”

“Yes, I need to speak with Dick Burns…”





Forget crabs, this chick has lobsters.

Stop me if you've heard this one before...   A woman walks into Publix and stuffs $85 worth of lobster tails in her pants.

No really.  This fine upstanding citizen stuffed 7 lobster tails into her pants.  Her brilliant plan was to trade the stolen crustaceans for Dilaudid.  

I didn't realize how high the street value of lobster had gotten.  


Thursday, June 12, 2014

“The man across the street is naked again”

Since we're on the topic of flesh weasels and publicly bopping the clown, I present to you Mr Jeffery Mariott.  Jeffery likes to polish the one-eyed gopher in his front yard.

Listen folks, I know you can't control when the urge strikes, but for the love of all that is good and holy, take that shit inside.

You can read the rest of the story here.

This kid is going places.

We here at Dammit Florida! love drawing dongs on things.  A quick search of Google Earth shows that it's not just us either.

A senior at Nature Coast Technical High showed off his artistic side much to the chagrin of school administrators.  This kid used weed killer to create his masterpiece.  A 50 yard long boner across the school football field the day of the graduation ceremony.

Check out the full story here.

Throwback Thursday, Dammit Florida Style

In July 1991, Paul Reubens, better known as Peewee Herman, was arrested in Sarasota for flogging the dolphin in a porn theater. While he was being hauled out, he told officers "I'm Peewee Herman." He then offered to do a children's benefit if they let him go. Needless to say, they declined.

This wasn't the first or the last time Peewee ran afoul of the law, but it certainly is the most entertaining.

So many buttered popcorn jokes, so little time.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

You just can't make this stuff up

The police report read “male wearing lingerie bent over forward exposing his anus“.  Yes, you read that right.  This genius thought it would be a good idea to take selfies in women’s lingerie and text it to the cop that responded to his previous 911 call.   The justification given by this 12 time frequent flyer to the Florida penal system?  “I was pretty drunk, I don’t really remember.”

Awesome.
Somebody buy the officer a beer.

Rick Scott

I love this guy.  He’s the perfect nut job to be steering the state.  Four years ago he runs with the “tough on illegals” routine.  Now he’s giving them in-state tuition.  Rick, you need to decide which voting block you want to pander to and stick with it.

Check out the story here.

BILLY BOB GIVES CLEETUS A BEATDOWN… FLORIDA STYLE.

It seems that a couple of rocket scientists got into a little scuffle in the trailer park.   Instead of using his words to resolve the conflict, Billy Bob yanks a three foot tall weed plant out of the ground and starts whaling on Cleetus with it.  To top it all off, this Mensa candidate lets the police search the place.
You can read the whole story here.

Dammit Florida.